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Family

Adoption Finalizations – From the Waist Up

I have many incredible stories to share after working in the adoption arena for over 30+ years but until I actually write the book that I keep threatening to write, I will turn to one of my recent favorites.

As challenging as the pandemic has been, there really have been some silver linings. Recently one of my clients was adopting a young boy who was a product of the child welfare system. When it came down to the Zoom court appearance, about 40 family & friends were able to appear – all in matching t-shirts, to boot! Several participants spoke in only the highest terms about the mother and child, and at the end, when the Judge asked the minor, J.S. if he knew how special he was, he proclaimed “Yes, I know how much everyone loves me!”

Family and friends were then heading downtown Chicago on a bus to take pictures in front of the Picasso sculpture outside the Daley Center where adoption cases used to be heard pre-covid. Thereafter, they would be having lunch at the famous Manny’s deli in the south loop. They graciously asked me to join them. I declined, claiming that I couldn’t possibly attend, because I only looked good from the waist up. Without missing a beat, the adoptive mother said, “Don’t worry about it, we are all sitting here in our underwear and t-shirts!!” That made everyone laugh through their tears of joy and off they went.

— Sheila A. Maloney is an adoption and ART attorney and Fellow of AAAA. She is located in Illinois. You can learn more about Sheila by visiting her website, www.sheilamaloneylaw.com

Home Sweet Home At Any Age

As an adoption professional for nearly 30 years, I have had the privilege of representing clients in over 2,500 adoptions. While the majority of those have been newborn adoptions, the ones that have really grabbed my heart are the adoptions older children and adults. My oldest adoptee was almost 60. There is no age limit in Florida on who can be adopted –. the desire to be a part of a family does not extinguish with age. The tears that are shed at these final hearings are often far sweeter knowing these families are created by mutual choice, as older adoptees must consent to their adoption.

Approximately 23,000 kids age out of foster care each year without being reunited with family or being placed in a permanent home. Without family or a dependable adult to rely on for guidance and assistance, their chances of success diminish. Many will not complete high school. Few will complete college. They are at higher risks for homelessness, joblessness, incarceration, depression, and suicide. They are victimized physically and susceptible to being trafficked. Many fall prey to financial scams, usury interest rates, and are subject to identity theft before they reach the age of 18. Many embark into adulthood with no one upon whom they can rely. Most still yearn for a family and a place to call home. There are over 71,000 waiting to be adopted.

For almost ten years my family and I have opened our hearts and our home to a number of these young people. Some have stayed but a few weeks or months, some for many years. Our walls are full of photos of our ‘extended family’. One day a very special young man named Derrick came into our lives. After many months, he asked us if we would adopt him. “You are already a part of our family” I said. “But I want to make it legal. Permanent.” he replied. So, we did.

On our adoption day we decorated our car with “It’s a boy” stickers and drove to the courthouse, joined by fifty or more of our family and friends. When the Judge asked him why he wanted to be adopted, he responded, “You never know what a difference you make in someone else’s life. I am thankful that my Mom touched mine and took her time to invest in me. As a result of her love and the love of my family, the pain of my years in foster care is beginning to be erased. I want to be an advocate like her to let others know that someone believes in them, and that they are defined not by their past but only by their dreams of the kind of person they want to be.”

At 11:30 AM, on a beautiful sunny Friday morning, the Judge legally pronounced us a family. Our tears of joy were shared by everyone present. We celebrated for three days so that those who could not make it to the hearing could still be a part of our official becoming a family.

Over the years our relationship has only deepened. My son has stretched us as much as we have him. In becoming a part of our family he has seen first-hand that being committed to one another does not mean that families are perfect, or that its members always agree with each other. Putting down permanent roots has given him the courage to spread his wings. When he first moved out of state, homesick and overwhelmed, he called and said, “I can’t do this, I want to come home.” After reassuring him that he could always come home, we talked through the problems and by morning he was resolved to stay and conquer his fears. It has been a privilege to watch him grow into the confident man he has become. He is an outspoken advocate and voice for those in care, fighting to increase their chances of becoming successful adults. In 2022 he will graduate from law school.

When asked “What can I do to increase the success for kids aging out of foster care?” we would encourage you to open your heart and your home to become a mentor or family for just one more, especially a teen or young adult. My son encourages everyone to adopt teens and young adults, whether in care or those who have aged out, saying, “When you adopt an older child at least you know what you are getting.” But that is one of those areas where we may not agree. We never knew on the day he chose us just how much more joy he would bring into our lives. We are so thankful he’s a part of our family and in following his advice, we adopted one more!

— Susan Stockham is a Fellow of AAAA and practices adoption and ART law in Florida

Derrick’s Adoption Day
Family Photo

Adoption Has Its Downs and Its Ups

I recently worked with a couple seeking to adopt a child to be born to a northern Virginia mother. Coordinating with a Virginia attorney whom I knew as a colleague from the Academy of Adoption and Assisted Reproduction Attorneys, arrangements were made to provide some financial assistance as permitted by the laws of Wisconsin and Virginia. The birth mother was somewhat elusive at times and was raising several of her own children. No father around. The couple flew to meet her and came away anxiously anticipating bringing home their first child. As time went by, the behavior of the birth mother raised concerns with me, our clients and the attorney in Virginia. It was decided that eventual placement was unlikely and our clients made the sad and difficult decision to withdraw.

As rarely happens, within days our clients were contacted concerning a possible placement from a birth mother in North Carolina. A NC Academy attorney was retained to coordinate the legal part of the placement. Our clients hopped in their car and drove straight through from Wisconsin to NC, met the baby boy, completed the NC and ICPC requirements and returned to Wisconsin with the little guy.

The story didn’t end there for me or our clients. Several weeks later my wife and I attended the 25th anniversary Gift of Adoption Fund dinner in Milwaukee. As many of you may know, the Gift of Adoption Fund raises money to give grants to adopting couples who need financial assistance to complete their adoptions. My wife and I were assigned to the table which was reserved for a grant family. GOAF honors a grant family at its annual dinner and has them talk about their adoption journey including how GOAF played an important role. I hadn’t met my clients in person for the VA and NC cases but communicated only by phone during our representation of them. We exchanged names and began chatting. It suddenly occurred to me that they were my clients. I was meeting my clients for the first time. The baby could not been better behaved for the entire evening, was absolutely adorable, and was cared for lovingly by both parents. Reflecting on the evening reminds me why I am so privileged to be an adoption attorney.

— Steve Hayes is a Fellow of AAAA and practices adoption and ART law in Wisconsin.

Adoption Celebration – A Different Perspective

I had such a wonderful meeting over breakfast this morning with one of the women I advocate for through her adoption plan. She always looks so pretty, but today she arrived wearing something extra special… She shared that the beaded jewelry she wore around her waist was custom made to adorn her growing belly. She says she plans to keep the jewelry after her pregnancy as a momento of the child she plans to place with the incredible adoptive family she has chosen.

Adoption isn’t easy. Growing life inside of you then placing that life in the hands of another isn’t easy. Which is why I admire her so much for this thoughtful gesture. Indeed, tears have been and will be shed, but she is also allowing herself the space to celebrate this time, to cherish the memory of her pregnancy. She looked for the good in a hard place and found it.

I think that’s the key, the great big secret to happiness… not to somehow dodge all the tough stuff, but to find (and adorn) the beauty within it.

— Written by Malia Price, Destiny Adoption Services & Consulting, Inc.

Adoption Reunions – Thoughts from an Adoption Attorney

At the office one morning after just completing an adoption final hearing I received a call from an unexpected voice. It was from an adoptee whose adoption we handled more than 23 years ago. That “child” was now a hopeful adult, looking to connect with his birth mother. I recalled (to myself) meeting his birth parents at their apartment in Tampa. They were a sweet couple, looking to give their baby a wonderful home. I remembered this placement well.

Nearing 25 years since our first private adoption placement, we are hearing from an increased number of adoptees reaching out to find their birth parents. Whether this increase is due to a growing interest in ancestry and personal history, open adoptions and adoption reunions filling our social media feeds, or a desire to build more family connections, many adoptees are reaching out to establish a more open relationship with their birth parents.

When I received that call from the adoptee, I initially felt excited and hopeful for him and for his birth mother, and for the opportunity they may have to connect with each other after all these years. But that initial excitement was followed by a wave of internal questions. Did the birth mother sign a consent to release her information to her child, should he be interested in finding her in adulthood? If the birth mother did not sign a consent to release information, would it be right to contact her after all these years if she did not initially express a wish to have an open or semi-open adoption? What if she had signed a release but her feelings had since changed?

I also thought of protecting her confidentiality and the life she was currently living. How would my letter impact her present life? Perhaps she created her own family after placement and did not wish to share the adoption with her partner or children. By sending her a letter, would there be a risk of someone in her family picking up the mail and asking her about why she received a letter from a law firm, causing her to have to explain the situation to them?

If she had signed a release of information, I considered whether she may be in a different frame of mind from how she felt at the time of placement. Would she be prepared emotionally to begin direct communication with her adopted child? Could I be reopening old wounds by reaching out to her? On the other hand, with her child reaching adulthood, maybe she had been holding out hope that she would hear from him and contacting her may lead to a long-awaited reunion.

From the time we established our practice we have known that these reunions would be a possibility, but the reality is much more complicated than we could have anticipated. And the questions that come along with adoption reunions can create emotional and ethical challenges that all parties to the adoption must learn how to navigate.

Adoptions today are much more open than 20 years ago. Thankfully, most current placements include direct sharing of contact information which allows birth and adoptive families to continue communication and sometimes visitation with each other over the years. This evolution toward continued contact may lead to reunions no longer being necessary in the future – a possibility that raises its own questions about how adoptions may change the picture of a “family” going forward.

And in the event you are wondering, how did my case turn out? I was able to send a private message to the birth mother (thank you Facebook). After several months she responded expressing her joy and excitement that her son wanted to find her and apologizing about the delay. She took that time to talk with all of her children and obtain their thoughts about a reunion. Her whole family was on board and wanted to take the next step. These two families have reconnected in a journey to provide the best for their child. I am not sure where things currently stand but am rooting for all of the laughs, tears, hugs, and love that we wish for in adoption reunions.

— Michelle M. Hausmann, Esq., is an attorney with Hausmann & Hickman, P.A. (www.AdoptionandSurrogacy.com) and a Fellow of AAAA practicing both adoption and ART law in Florida.

One Of My Best Adoption Experiences

A lot of people focus on adoption as involving infants or small children, but one of my most rewarding experiences was working with clients who adopted three young men who had aged out of foster care, never having had found their “forever families.” My clients were a married couple who worked in the financial sector. Through their work, they joined a company-wide effort to mentor young people who had aged out of foster care. They met three young men of different racial and cultural backgrounds from them. These young men and my clients bonded after months of working together to assist them with college and work goals. My clients adopted two of them first, each of them having had absolutely no contact with their birth families since they were young children. The third came about two years later after he and his birth mother, with whom he had some relationship, agreed that the adoption would be a formal recognition of his chosen family and would provide him with the security he had not known as a child. Adoption, for them, was about legal and societal recognition of family, no matter how it was formed or when it was formed. There were a lot of tears of love and joy on both of these adoption days.

— Deb Guston is the Adoption Director and a Fellow of the Academy of Adoption & Assisted Reproduction Attorneys practicing both adoption and ART law in New Jersey

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